Staying Awake

HATCH

2010-06-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

HATCH

–verb (used with object)

1. to bring forth (young) from the egg.

2. to cause young to emerge from (the egg) as by brooding or incubating.

3. to bring forth or produce; devise; create; contrive; concoct: to hatch a scheme.

When these baby birds finally hatched, their initial survival was dependent on their parents to feed and keep them warm, but as they grew the parents had to let them go. When dreams or ideas are hatched, we sometimes have to let them go so they can mature.

I have been thinking of a woman I know – a long standing resident of the town in which I live. As a school teacher she saw how devastating poverty was for her students. She wished that every student could, at the very least, begin the school year on level ground. So she hatched an idea. She began asking people in her church to donate new boxes of crayons and backpacks and pencils – the essential things for an elementary school student. She inspired other people to care about children they would never see or know, and from the basement of their church they distributed these items to school children who showed up to claim them. Her dream led to an idea that was hatched. That one idea inspired other people to dream and to hatch new ideas. Many years ago this “Back to School” project outgrew the church basement. Other organizations got on board. The women who hatched the idea in the first place gradually gave other the reins to other people and now it has grown so big it takes place at the fairgrounds. I doubt it is what she had in mind when she first hatched her idea, but she had the wisdom and maturity to let it grow beyond her own dreams.

A few years ago this same woman wondered what all the school children who qualified for a free lunch would do in the summertime, so she dared to dream again and let another idea be hatched. She inspired some other people to work on the idea and they got together and gave away free bag lunches in the local parks. In 2005 they gave away 3000 lunches. Last year they gave away 9000 lunches. This year they are getting food from the Central Missouri Food Bank – they have to keep records and post some information required by the government. I doubt this was part of the original idea and dream, but this woman was wise enough and mature enough to let the idea grow. If they abide by the new guidelines, Central Missouri Food Bank is refunded enough money to cover the cost of the food for children in Kirksville as well as enough to help feed children in other communities.

Today my blog post is dedicated to this woman who has hatched some grand ideas to benefit children she will never see or know.

HOPE

2010-05-31T12:10:00.001-07:00

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HOPE

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): hoped; hop•ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hopian; akin to Middle High German hoffen to hope
Date: before 12th century
intransitive verb 1 : to cherish a desire with anticipation
transitive verb 1 : to desire with expectation of obtainment
2 : to expect with confidence
When my husband first showed me the robin’s nest there was only 1 egg. Each morning for the next few days there was one more egg. On the fourth day the mother laid her final egg, and then sat patiently, keeping them warm until time for them to hatch.
For the couple of weeks these eggs have been in the nest I have hoped they would make it to the hatching stage. I hoped the mother would not be caught by a neighborhood cat. I hoped neighborhood children will not discover the nest and knock it out of the low lying bush. I hoped the winds accompanying the spring storms would not be strong enough to blow the nest from its perch.
There are no guarantees but I have continued to let my hope build. I have waited expectantly for the eggs to hatch.
Sometimes what we hope for doesn’t come to pass. Couples can’t conceive. Pregnancies end tragically. Our dreams are crushed. Relationships don’t turn out as we hoped. Death comes prematurely. We begin walking down a road with a goal in mind only to find that a detour is necessary. Sometimes the detour takes us to places of pain and sometimes joy. Sometimes we choose the detour and sometimes we have no choice.
Watching and waiting for these eggs to hatch coincides with changes in my children’s lives. So as I hope for these eggs to hatch and the baby birds to be healthy, I find myself hoping for my own babies to be healthy and happy and to find their places in the world.

DRIP

2010-03-01T08:00:00.001-08:00

DRIP

Function: verb Inflected Form(s): dripped; drip·ping Etymology: Middle English drippen, from Old English dryppan; akin to Old English dropa drop

Date: before 12th century

transitive verb 1 : to let fall in drops; 2 : to let out or seem to spill copiously;

intransitive verb 1 a : to let fall drops of moisture or liquid; b : to overflow with or as if with moisture 2 : to fall in or as if in drops 3 : to waft or pass gently

Yesterday the icicles began melting. Drip, drip, drip – all day until the sun began setting and it was again too cold for anything to melt. Each time a drop of water fell, the contour of the melting icicle changed. The changes were small – sometimes barely noticeable, but by the end of the day many of the icicles that had clung to the gutter along the front of my house were gone. Enough drops had fallen to melt them entirely.

As I watched the drops fall to the ground I began thinking about how we are slowly changed over time. Life’s events shape and reshape us. We experience joy and sadness. We live through times when we are acutely aware of God’s presence and other times when we are not sure God was ever present. Drip by drip we are changed. Rarely do I look back over a day or week and feel changed over that span of time, but as I look back a year or two or ten or twenty, I know I am different. I am different because of the path I have chosen to live. I am different because of the life partner I have chosen. I am different because I chose to devote time to being a mother.

I am changed when I choose to think poorly of another of God’s children. When I choose to hold on to anger and resentment I am changed. Sometimes the changes are barely noticeable, but drip by drip my life is impoverished. I am changed when I open my heart to someone else. Sometimes the change is barely noticeable, but over time the changes etch their effects onto my soul.

Frozen

2010-02-18T19:06:00.000-08:00

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FROZEN

Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 a : treated, affected, or crusted over by freezing b : subject to long and severe cold
2 a : incapable of being changed, moved, or undone : b : not available for present use c (1) : drained or incapable of emotion (2) : expressing or characterized by cold unfriendliness

(adapted from Ash Wednesday homily)

As I drive through the countryside of Northeast Missouri, it is hard to imagine springtime – hard to imagine that anything will be green again. It is hard to imagine that anything will grow – that anything might be hearty enough to push through the frozen ground and up through the snow. Everything is frozen.
Tonight (Ash Wednesday), our liturgy will ask us to consider what it is that freezes our souls. What are those things we do that keep us frozen with fear? What keeps us from living fully in God’s presence? What keeps us from being more fully aware of God’s love for us?
What are the habits, both big and small that diminish our souls? What are those things that keep our souls buried? What is it we use to medicate ourselves – to make ourselves feel better in times of anxiety?
Those things are different for every one of us – for some it is alcohol or food or the need to buy one more new thing or the inability to spend any significant time away from technology. For some it holding on to fear that keeps them immobile. For some it is the constant need for the approval of others; for some it the desire to be in control. For some it is the temptation to project their own fears onto others No matter who we are, we have those places in our souls that we manage to keep frozen. Those places we try to hide away in hopes that no one sees.
It is those places that our liturgy will invite us to examine tonight and for the next 6 weeks – to be brave enough to take an honest look at what keeps us frozen –frozen to ourselves, to each other and to God.
Lent is about repenting, and for most of us it is about slowing down enough to know where those frozen places are for us – to recognize those habits that keep the ground of our own souls so frozen that nothing can grow, to name them, to let ourselves feel the sadness that they cause in our lives – recognizing that they keep us from being fully present to God and to each other.
The liturgy asks us to repent which simply means to turn, to turn from whatever it is that stands between us and God – to turn from the cold to the warmth, from the dark to the light – to move close enough to God to let those frozen places thaw so that they become less hard and brittle.
Observing the season of Lent is about opening ourselves up to the spaciousness of God – to let ourselves imagine what there might be trying to push its way out of the darkness and into the light.
And so, during this Lenten season, we take on new disciplines that open us up to God. Some might set aside more time for prayer or meditation or to read devotional materials that draw our attention to the spiritual life. Some of us will fast from food and other things we are to use mindlessly.
When we allow those hard and frozen places to give way to God’s love and grace in our own lives, we are more able be loving and extend grace to those around us. So that when we let go of those things that keep us frozen, and when we turn our attention to God, we are turning our attention to those things God cares about – letting our concerns be shifted to God’s concerns.
The Biblical witness to our faith is clear about what those concerns are – the prophet says it this way: “to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke. Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them?” And he goes on to say, when you have done this “The LORD will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;”
My hope for us all is that we might have observe Lent in such a way that when Easter comes we can celebrate that God can bring life from death, that frozen places can become fertile ground – places where lovely things grow and flourish, and that our own lives will be evidence of it. Amen

DARKNESS

2010-02-14T05:09:00.001-08:00

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DARKNESS
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English derk, from Old English deorc; akin to Old High German tarchannen to hide
Date: before 12th century
1 a : devoid or partially devoid of light : not receiving, reflecting, transmitting, or radiating light b : transmitting only a portion of light
2 a : wholly or partially black b of a color : of low or very low lightness c : being less light in color than other substances of the same kind
3 a : arising from or showing evil traits; b : relating to grim or depressing circumstances

It is still long before daybreak when I awaken in the morning. The house is dark, but I don’t have any trouble finding my way from the bedroom to the coffee pot in the kitchen. There are landmarks along the way. I stop at the thermostat on the wall and turn the heat up a little. I know just where it is – it is in the same place as yesterday and the day before. Then I make my way around the coffee table and between the sofa and chair into the kitchen. I know where everything is – the furniture is where it has always been, so the darkness is easily navigated.

We all have interior landmarks we count on to help us navigate our inner lives. We give ourselves to vocations and jobs that shape our identity. We find companions to walk through life with us. We give birth to children who need us to walk with them. We find faith communities that sustain us. Eventually, these landmarks shift in some way – we lose our jobs to a failing economy or we have given enough years to it that we retire. Companions die, children move out, faith communities change. Spiritual practices that helped us feel connected to God seem flat, and we don’t know how to connect anymore.

What we counted on yesterday to help us navigate is gone or changed enough that we no longer recognize it.

My workday is flooded with people who are groping around in the darkness for something to grab, something that will steady them. The only way I can do my job well is to know what steadies me when my own landmarks have shifted.

On my office wall hangs a print with these words.
And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown!”
And he replied:
“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way."

These words remind me that there will be times in my life when I will walk in darkness. It is inescapable. So I try to remember to put my hand into God’s and know that I am safe there.

BETWEEN

2010-02-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

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BETWEEN
Function: preposition
Etymology: Middle English betwene, preposition & adverb, from Old English betwēonum, from be- + -twēonum (dative plural) (akin to Gothic tweihnai two each); akin to Old English twā two
Date: before 12th century
1: by the common action of : jointly engaging
4: in preference for one or the other of
5: in confidence restricted to

Twice in the last couple of weeks, I have sat in the room of a patient actively dying. Both times family and friends have filled the room watching attentively for signs of life and then for none. Breathing patterns change when someone is close to death; when they are hanging between this world and the next. Patients begin to experience periods of apnea, and there are long spaces between each breath. The space between those breathes becomes longer and longer, and the expectation and dread that fills that space becomes palpable. We all watch and both long for and dread the last breath. With each exhalation, I find myself counting the seconds between 1,2,3,4,5…20 inhale. Families are both relieved and saddened at the inhalation, and the question is always “How long do you think this will take?” Sometimes it is hours and sometimes days.
I find when I allow myself to fully enter that place with families, my own breathing becomes shallow and when I leave I have to remind myself to breathe deeply. Time becomes marked by the inhalation and exhalation and the time between is just that, the space that is separated by the inhale and the exhale. I have to remind myself that most of life is lived in the between spaces. The danger in working with the dying is that I am always waiting for the next death, and sometimes I forget to use the time between. I forget to write and take pictures. I take for granted my soul mate who shares life with me. I forget to say “thanks be to God” for the little things – for meals shared with others, for laughter and tears, for good books and music – for all the things that fill the between spaces.

APPEARANCE

2009-09-07T05:32:00.000-07:00

APPEARANCE

Function: noun
Date: 14th century

1. way somebody or something looks:

2. outward aspect

3. performance or exhibition in public:

Appearances can be deceiving. By all outward appearances this door is solid wood. Only a closer inspection reveals places where the wood is rotten.

So is the door solid or rotten? I really like for things to be one or the other, but in reality, the door is both.

When I was preparing for ordination this last time (there have been others, but that is a longer story), someone asked me to talk about the image or metaphor of the church to which I am most drawn. The first to leap to mind was that of saint/sinner. Perhaps it is because I struggle with it the most. I want people to fit neatly into one category or the other, but truth be known, we are all both – all a mix of some things that are solid and some that are rotten. I have been surprised by the goodness of people I have written off as “sinner”, and I have been wounded by those whom I have wanted to be a “saint”.

There are a couple of people monitoring the rotten spots on this door. They check periodically to see if the rotten places are widening. The take preventative measures to hold the rot at bay. It helps if we have similar kinds of people in our lives – people who will be honest with us about how we are living our lives; people with whom we can share the rotten places.

TRACKS

2009-06-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

TRACKS - Noun
Etymology: Middle English trak, from Middle French trac
Date: 15th century

1: detectable evidence (as the wake of a ship, a line of footprints, or a wheel rut) that something has passed

On a recent trip to a beach on the Atlantic Ocean, I was intrigued by the tracks made in the sand by the ocean rescue vehicles. As I observed the tracks left behind them, I was reminded that we leave tracks wherever we go. How we live our lives makes an impression on the people whose paths we cross.

Not long ago I heard someone tell the story of a denominational official who came to visit her church. It was clear to her that he was not interested in having a conversation with her or anyone else, and that made an impression on her. When we discussed it, she said, “This makes it easier to understand why some people get fed up with church and leave.”

What we say and do and what we don’t say and don’t do leaves detectable evidence that something has passed.

DEVASTATION

2009-05-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

DEVASTATION

Function: transitive verb

Inflected Form(s): dev·as·tat·ed; dev·as·tat·ing

Etymology: Latin devastatus, past participle of devastare, from de- + vastare to lay waste —

Date: 1638

1 : to bring to ruin or desolation by violent action 2 : to reduce to chaos, disorder, or helplessness

This is the home of the in-laws of one of my co-workers. It was devastated in the tornado that ripped through Kirksville last week. Devastation is the only word I know to describe what I saw that day. For a few days I have been trying to think of something more to say about that, but the truth is that devastation is just beyond words.

PLANT

2009-05-10T11:42:00.001-07:00

PLANT
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English plantian, from Late Latin plantare to plant, fix in place, from Latin, to plant, from planta plant
Date: before 12th century
1. to put or set in the ground for growth; 2. to set or sow with seed.

Today I skipped church and spent the morning alone planting in the garden. I have been in desperate need of some time alone to be quiet and let my mind wander.
Since I was placing plant roots in the ground and it is Mother’s Day, it didn’t take long for my mind to wander to my own roots. I found myself sitting on the ground with dirt under my nails rejoicing that my roots had been in deep rich soil with parents who loved me wholly and unconditionally. They were middle class working people who believed in hard work and honesty and who relied on the grace of God. They were kind to strangers and opened their home to relatives who needed a place to live and people to love. Sometimes that meant putting the youngest child (me) on a cot in the living room because all the bedrooms were full. While some people may have felt sorry for that girl sleeping on a cot, I am grateful for the way my roots were strengthened and nourished by living with people who could put their own needs aside for the benefit of others.
As I left my garden plants, I prayed for my tomatoes and cucumbers and peppers – that their roots might take hold of the rich soil, and I also prayed for my children – that their roots might be strong and deep.

BLUR

2009-05-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

BLUR

Function: noun
Etymology: perhaps akin to Middle English bleren to blear
Date: 1519

1. fuzzy or unclear image: something that cannot be seen clearly, e.g. because it moves too quickly or because it is not distinctly remembered

Sometimes life is a blur. Schedules and events pack one’s day so that there is barely time for a pause. When that kind of busyness takes over, things can become fuzzy or unclear and the events of the day are not seen or remembered clearly. The flowers growing on the side of the road are missed. Boundaries are crossed. Relationships are sacrificed and taken for granted. Blogs are ignored.
Taking time to breathe deeply seems to prevent blurring.

WAIT

2009-04-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

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WAIT

Function: verb

Etymology:

Middle English, from Anglo-French waiter, guaiter to watch over, await, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German wahta watch, Old English wæccan to watch

Date: 14th century

1 a: to remain stationary in readiness or expectation; b: to pause for another to catch up. 2 a: to look forward expectantly; b: to hold back expectantly. 3: to be ready and available.

Most of us would never wait for anything if we didn’t have to. Waiting is usually forced upon us – we wait in line; we wait in traffic; we wait for computers to boot up; we wait for results of medical tests to come back; we wait for injuries to heal; we wait for food to be cooked; we wait for babies to be delivered; we wait for the harshness of winter to give way to the gentleness of spring; we wait for the heat of summer to give way to the cool breezes of fall; we wait for death.

In my work I watch people waiting everyday – waiting for death to take them or to take one they love. Part of my job is to wait alongside them and to listen to whatever they want to talk about while they wait. Sometimes they talk about the weather or how often they have to fill the bird feeder. Sometimes they talk about the things they would do if they had more time. Sometimes I hear confessions of the things they wish they hadn’t done. Sometime we just sit in silence – waiting together.

It is the holiest job I have ever had or ever hope to have. Each time someone lets me wait with them I feel like I am on sacred ground.

SPRING

2009-03-24T04:55:00.001-07:00

SPRING

Function: Noun

Date: before 12th century

a source of supply ; especially : a source of water issuing from the ground b: an ultimate source especially of action or motion
2. a time or season of growth or development ; specifically : the season between winter and summer comprising in the northern hemisphere usually the months of March, April, and May or as reckoned astronomically extending from the March equinox to the June solstice

When I look out across the back lawn I see mostly brown grass, but a closer look shows there are sprigs of green mixed in. Even though the calendar says it is officially spring, when the weather is still cold enough to wear a coat and the grass looks dead it is hard to trust that spring is here. Spring has never been my favorite season, but since I began doing bereavement work for hospice a couple years ago, I have a new appreciation for spring. Early spring holds tangible reminders that there is life after death and hope in the midst of despair. Even though the grass is still nearly all brown, there is just enough green to cause me to hope. It reminds me that even though the grass has looked dead for many months it will soon be lush and green.

For many people, grief feels like the dead of winter – it makes people want to draw in. Many people feel life can’t possibly go on after a devastating loss, but for most of them that raw cold of winter gives way to warmer breezes, and they are able to begin to see the possibilities life still holds for them. When I see the tangible signs of spring, I am hopeful on behalf of all the people I know who are living with loss – I am hopeful that soon they will see the signs of spring for themselves and feel hopefulness welling up inside their own hearts.

HOLE

2009-03-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

HOLE

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hol (from neuter of hol, adjective, hollow) & holh; akin to Old High German hol, adjective, hollow and perhaps to Old English helan to conceal

Date: before 12th century

1. an area where something is missing; 2. a hollowed-out place: as a cave, pit, or well in the ground; 3. a wretched or dreary place.

This hole in the ground lays open, waiting for the casket and body to fill it. While there are a variety of options available when someone dies, most people still choose to be buried – to be put into a hole in the ground. The symbolism in that is powerful. While the body of the deceased fills a place in the ground, loved ones wonder how to fill the hole left by the person whose body now lies in the ground.

That hole in ones life can feel like a hollowed-out place, and many people struggle with how to live in light of the loss. It is hard to trudge through the days and nights with a hole in ones life. A hard reality is that for most people who suffer a significant loss, the hole will never be filled. It doesn’t mean joy and happiness cannot be found, but the hole is always present. Perhaps the best we can do is honor that place; to be present with the sadness and the loneliness but not try to stuff it full of other things that cannot replace what was once there.

In a few days I will turn 50 and on that day I will also observe the 9^th anniversary of my mother’s death. The hole left by both of my parents is still empty, and I no longer have hope of filling it, but all these years later I feel more comfortable with letting the hole exist without the desperate need to fill it. I am more able to sit with the sadness and honor the place it has in my life and even celebrate the person it has helped me to become.

SHADOW

2009-02-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

SHADOW

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English shadwe, from Old English sceaduw-, sceadu shade

Date: before 12th century

1: partial darkness or obscurity within a part of space from which rays from a source of light are cut off by an interposed opaque body.

2a: an imperfect and faint representation; b: an imitation of something

Too often we live in the shadows rather than the light. In the Christian church calendar, the season of Lent begins on February 25, 2009.

The Lenten season is traditionally spent in self-examination and reflection - sometimes fasting from food or activities. Some people give up sweets or television or shopping or being tied to the technology that can dominate our lives. Sometimes people add something to their lives – more prayer time or more time spent meeting the needs of others.

While the Lenten season may be more somber than other church seasons, it is not meant to be sullen or melancholy. Lenten disciplines are not meant to be punishment – we are not doing arbitrary disciplines to make up for wrong doing. We are not trying to behave ourselves after months of misbehaving. Lenten disciplines are meant to draw us toward the light of God so that we might live in the light rather than the shadows.

The Ash Wednesday liturgy in the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer issues an invitation to a journey of looking intently at ourselves and those things and activities or attitudes that darken our hearts and our lives – those things that keep us lurking in the shadows rather than in the light.

Lent invites us on a journey of repentance – a time for turning from one thing to another; a time for turning from those things drawing us away from God and keeping us from living in the light.

OBITUARY

2009-02-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

OBITUARY

Function: noun

Etymology: Medieval Latin obituarium, from Latin obitus death

Date: 1703

A notice of a person's death usually with a short biographical account

I don’t like obituaries. They are futile attempts to sum up one’s life in a few words.

As a hospice chaplain, I officiate at a lot of funerals. When a family asks me to read the obituary as part of the service, I try to remind those gathered that the obituary is just a skeleton of one’s life – no real flesh and blood. Even long obituaries that include a person’s accomplishments and hobbies are still just a bare bones attempt to capture what cannot be captured in just a few printed black and white words.

It has been almost 9 years since my brother and I had to write our mother’s obituary.

“She died as a result of injuries from a motor vehicle accident.” That part is true. The part left out is the agony we lived while deciding whether to continue life support. Her obituary says “She was a long time member of the Talbot Park Baptist Church and one of their first women deacons.” That part is true, but it omits the church controversy it stirred over women deacons, and it also omits that a long standing church member left the church over it.

“She is survived by 2 children and 2 grandchildren” That part about the survivors might be the truest part. Surviving – bare minimal existence is all we did for a long time.

It omitted that she hated cats and sweet potatoes. It omitted that she took in relatives with no other place to go – a cousin, a nephew and an invalid aunt. It omitted that her laughter was contagious.

When my brother and I are together we never read the obituary, but we do tell stories – the stories that help us remember her and our father. It is the remembering and the telling of the stories accompanied by laughter and tears that keep them alive in our hearts and minds.

Similar

2009-02-09T04:14:00.000-08:00

Similar

Function: adjective

Etymology: French similaire, from Latin similis like, similar

Date: 1611

1 : having characteristics in common : strictly comparable

2 : alike in substance or essential

The similarities between these two vehicles are greater than the dissimilarities. Both vehicles are pulled by something other than the person riding. The car is pulled by the engine and the cart by the horse. Barring any unforeseen accident, both drivers will arrive at their destination. The purpose of any mode of transportation is to move someone from one place to another, and both of these vehicles do that. It is too easy to see differences before we affirm similarities.

When someone is dying, families often have conflict over how to best care for them. Often it is the differences that are most obvious, but underneath the differences one can usually find similarities. Sometimes the obvious differences keep us from digging far enough to find the similarities. I find the same thing among people who claim Christianity. We get too focused on what separates us than what binds us.

(This photograph won second place in the North Missouri Harmonies Photography Contest and will hang in the Jefferson City office of State Representative Rebecca McClanahan)

RUIN

2009-02-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

RUIN

Function: noun

Date: 12th century Definition:

1. broken remains: the physical remains of something such as a building or city that has decayed or been destroyed ( often used in the plural )
2. complete devastation: a state of complete destruction, decay, collapse, or loss ( often plural )
3. complete failure: complete moral, social, or economic failure
4. somebody or something destroyed: somebody or something completely lost or destroyed

Ruin– if you look at the picture posted just prior to this one you will see a photograph of the same house a year ago.

It is hard to tell exactly what happened to bring about its complete ruination. It may have simply been continued neglect, or it may have been high winds and rain that knocked the front off the house. It was probably a combination. High winds and rain will not have this kind of effect on structures that are well tended, but when buildings are ignored wind and rain can cause ruinous damage. The dictionary definition - broken remains- seems an accurate description of this house.

Broken remains – it is also a good description of people who are grieving.

Death leaves behind brokenness, and it is up to those remaining to figure out what to do with the broken remains. I have seen people choose to live among the ruins; sometimes wallowing in them. It is hard to live among ruins, and often the people who choose it don’t recognize that, hard as it may be, it would be better to rebuild.

I have seen other people build something new and extraordinary from what is left behind. Rebuilding takes faith that something new is possible.

DISREPAIR

2009-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

DISREPAIR

Function: noun

Date:1798

The state of being in need of repair; (a building fallen into disrepair)

A couple times a month for the past 2 years I have driven past this house. It has been in a state of disrepair since the first time I saw it. Sometimes I try to envision it when it was new. This kind of damage doesn’t happen all at once. I imagine it might have begun with a loose shingle and then a leak. One thing led to another, and now it looks like a strong wind could knock it down.

As time passes, buildings fall into states of disrepair if there is no one to care for them. I find I am much like a building in that way. The events of life can destroy and erode if I am not careful. A small thing easily becomes a big one if ignored. Staying awake means being aware of the places that are easily destroyed or eroded in my own life and giving them the attention they need.

UNLIKELY

2009-01-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

UNLIKELY

Function: adjective

Date: 14th century

1 : not likely : improbable; an unlikely outcome

2 : likely to fail : unpromising

This lovely flower growing up out of a gravel parking lot reminds me that unlikely things happen. Love springs up in relationships where there has been hurt. Wounds that had been open and raw begin to heal. Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes grow up to be fine human beings full of love and compassion. Unlikely things happen.

I see it all the time in my work with people who are grieving. Good things can come from loss, and that is perhaps one of the hard truths about grief. It is almost impossible to see the good that can come when we have been forced to let go of something that has been central to our lives. Initially all we see is emptiness. That life can come from death, or gain from loss, or light from the darkness, seems unlikely. Unlikely things happen.

Rumble Strips

2009-01-14T03:35:00.000-08:00

Rumble Strips

Function: noun

Date: 1962

A strip of corrugated pavement (as along the edge of a highway) that causes rumbling and vibration when driven over.

On more than one occasion my tires have met with the rumble strips, and each time I am jarred by the noise and the vibration. They are meant to warn drivers that they have strayed from their lane. They are a reminder to get back on the road. Each time my tires meet them I find myself reflecting briefly on the possibility of being in an accident. They remind me to pay attention. Paying attention is hard work.

Often I hear people say that when someone they know dies, it is a wake up call. I have felt that way when someone close to me has died; asking deeper questions about whether I spend my time and money and energy in ways that matter, in ways that enrich my own life as well as the lives of people around me.

When I hit the rumble strips on the road I try to let it be a reminder to ask those questions, and if I find I have strayed from the road I want to be traveling, I try to get back on.

CONVICTION

2009-01-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

CONVICTION
Function noun
Date: 15th century

1. The act of convincing a person of error or compelling the admission of a truth; the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth. 2. A strong persuasion of belief; the state of being convinced.

In anticipation of the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, pink and blue flags have been placed on lawns and in church yards all over rural northeast Missouri.
The people who display the flags do it out of conviction, the firm belief that their worldview is correct. The people who oppose the display of flags and defend the rights that Roe v. Wade guarantee do it out of conviction, the firm belief that their worldview is correct.

Grant ,O God, that your holy and life-giving spirit may so move every human heart (and especially the hearts of the people of this land), that barriers which divide us may crumble, suspicions disappear, and hatreds cease; that our divisions being healed, we may live in justice and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen (The Book of Common Prayer)

2009-01-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

Grave

2009-01-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

^GRAVE

Function:

noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English græf; akin to Old High German grab grave, Old English grafan to dig

Date: before 12th century

1: an excavation for burial of a body ; broadly : a burial place

My job requires me to spend a lot of time in funeral homes and cemeteries. The smell of a freshly dug grave has become familiar, and each time I see or smell a freshly dug grave I cannot help but remember the words from the Book of Common Prayer – “earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” As I watch family and friends weep beside open graves I sometimes have fleeting images of my family and I weeping next to the graves of my parents.

I am reminded that all I know now is temporary. One day I will be earth, ash, dust, and I don’t know how long it will be before I am reduced to those elements, so I need to be awake for as much of this life as I can.

DIG

2009-01-08T15:49:00.000-08:00

DIG

Etymology: Middle English diggen

Date:13th century

a: to break up, turn, or loosen (as earth) with an implement b: to prepare the soil 2 a: to bring to the surface by digging : unearth (dig potatoes) b: to bring to light or out of hiding (dig up facts)3: to hollow out or form by removing earth : excavate (dig a hole)